| Random Fact #35 |
[28 Sep 2009|10:53pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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Under control ~The Strokes |
] |
When I eat something like Lucky Charms, I have to pick out all the marshmallows first, and arrange them by color into separate groups....I eat the cereal first and wait until I am completely finished before then eating the marshmallows, according to color--in order of how I like them; least to most favorite.
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| Random Fact #34 |
[23 Sep 2009|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Rainbow connection ~The Dresden Dolls |
] |
I have felt depressed and suicidal before when things have gotten rough, I have never been a really stable and strong person...always been emotionally and melodramatic. But lately the thought is everywhere and won't go away. I can't think, can't sleep, I can't get any peace...I just keep thinking if I were dead I'd get my peace finally. I want to rest, I'm so tired...and I'm tired of these visions and thoughts of uncontrollable, random depressed feelings or rage...wanting to just bash my head into a wall, until I turn my brains into a bloody pulp. I can't seem to shake the feeling--don't have to even be thinking of anything upsetting. I KNOW things will get better...I know I can find someone else, I've gone over the logic with myself soooo many times of why I SHOULD feel better, but nothing helps. I can't help the feelings....It's not like I should want to be with someone that is such a dick to me and doesn't care. I can't explain what it is that just makes me not want to do that shit. I just don't want to. I just feel too guilty to fully go through with ending things...but that's all I want right now. I don't know who I am and I don't wanna try to find that person I used to be...I'm not the same anymore, and I feel like...in my head, I'm just crying out for a do-over. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I know that good things could come out of this break-up, who thought we had to be together forever? I'm sure there is at least one other guy out there who would be better than him....there are things the old me wanted, that I can finally have now....but I don't want it. I keep trying to reason with myself, setting these goals....but I don't want any of it. I'm not really alive. I was drowning, and the person I was counting on didn't pull me up.
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| Random Fact #33 |
[22 Sep 2009|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
] |
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music |
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Hello and goodbye ~Evita |
] |
Back when I still used my CD player, I would go through phases of listening to different CDs nonstop for days or weeks at a time. A few years ago I used to listen to my Evita soundtrack constantly....and I went through a whole musical phase of listening to practically ONLY that sort of music...And I have for the past few years really wanted to star in a musical even though I have a huge fear of performing or even singing in front of anyone.
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| Random Fact #32 |
[21 Sep 2009|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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lost |
] |
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music |
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Fireflies ~Owl City |
] |
I have always disliked children--and I know a lot of people when they are younger cannot imagine and don't want kids. But I mean...I REALLY have never wanted kids. I have never fit in with the majority of people and I never felt like I clicked or belonged...I never wanted what was normal... Never conformed to what society expected from me. Not that I really try to rebel or anything... ^_^; I just was a little sphere trying to fit myself into a star-shaped opening. I had come to the conclusion I would adopt if I ever did want a child. But I guess one of the most difficult parts of losing my boyfriend was he changed what I wanted out of life. Now I don't know who I am or what I want. He had me thinking I could be one of those normal people who goes to college and gets married and has...kids. I thought that he would make a good dad. I NEVER wanted that...and he made me want it...all that fairytale bullshit. I never wanted that but he gave it to me and I felt special for once in my life and I decided I wanted it. I don't want it with anyone else--so now I'm just really lost.
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| Random Fact #31 |
[17 Sep 2009|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 empty |
] |
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music |
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I know what I am ~Band of Skulls |
] |
I haven't bought any jackets since...well, it's been so long that I don't remember. I live in New England--I mean.....we have pretty cold winters sometimes but I never wear anything more than big comfy sweatshirts. I guess the cold doesn't bother me so much.
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| Random Fact #30 |
[16 Sep 2009|07:34pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
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music |
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The gardener ~The Dresden Dolls |
] |
I don't like people who are "too" nice. I hate people that kiss ass or suck up to people--even if it's me. You'd think that most people wouldn't mind having someone be their flunky...but I can't stand that shit.
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| Random Fact #29 |
[15 Sep 2009|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Pepper ~Butthole Surfers |
] |
I've been having more violent, disturbing sort of dreams lately...definitely not a lot and not often...but I recently had a dream where I was brutally torturing, rich people (celebrities--it was as if I were in a movie) and killing them one by one in a mansion. Then there was another one where I realized I got my period and I ended up being covered in blood... ^_^; And I also last night I had a dream where I had a son...well found him moreso. He was this weird little 6ish 7 year old kid...And I kept running my hands through his brown hair. I felt really good, I felt connected to him, and I felt like I was years into the future of my life (lol, not THAT many...but enough). But then it soured. He was talking about something and then was like"with you and dad, all of us fucking each other!" he said it so vulgarly...like it was something he had heard...or i dunno...I told him never to say that again and that we wouldn't. I was shocked...apalled...And I ended the dream just like...muttering to myself of how I'd ruined him...I messed him up...I couldn't do anything right....and that this was all my fault....I don't know--just really depressing.
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| Random Fact #28 |
[12 Sep 2009|03:42am] |
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mood |
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dorky |
] |
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music |
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Zero ~Yeah yeah Yeah |
] |
I have worn glasses since I was in third grade and my vision has steadily decreased so much since then that if glasses did not improve my vision I would be legally blind. And I never liked having to wear them much until the last pair I bought about two years ago...I really liked them, but they've become such a hassle that I'm considering just switching over to contacts although they freak me out a little.
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| Random Fact #27 |
[07 Sep 2009|01:48am] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
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music |
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Dull life ~Yeah Yeah Yeahs |
] |
I can only play one instrument, the piano. I first started taking lessons when I was in 1st grade and quit when I was going into 7th grade or so... I loved playing it but I hated/feared doing recitals and competitions and I felt like it wasn't about me anymore and I was being pressured into performing for other people so I decided to stop.
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| Random Fact #26 |
[05 Sep 2009|02:10am] |
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mood |
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weird |
] |
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music |
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Two birds ~Regina Spektor |
] |
Walking up or down spiral staircases makes me feel really uneasy...I sort of have a fear of them I guess, although I love them at the same time.
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| Random Fact #25 |
[04 Sep 2009|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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 broken |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Dear Jenny ~The Dresden Dolls |
] |
I hate the only person that is able to make me truly happy anymore because he doesn't care about me and instead of cutting me loose he just keeps me around at his convenience and tosses me back into the gutters when it becomes complicated. He lies to me and makes me feel like I mean something to someone, but only temporarily. I know that I mean nothing to him and I hate who he's become and I'd like to be able to cause him as much pain as he's caused me..but it doesn't change the fact that he was the glue holding all my broken pieces together.
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| Random Fact #24 |
[31 Aug 2009|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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destroyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Dusseldorf ~Regina Spektor |
] |
All I can think about is dying...so I've become pretty set on just ending my life.. I'm not sure how or when but it's just too much. It's not about dying--but I have to stop these thoughts. I am consumed every day by wanting to bash my head into a wall, or plunge something sharp into my arm and let all the blood in my body drain out, or rip my heart out. I think about it all the time, and I am completely broken. I hate to be so melodramatic about my break up but I just couldn't take the WAY he did it...The pulling me around till the very end...The confusing, misleading statements he'd make, backed up by no actions. I'm tired of fake people, and being lied to and deceived. I just don't like the world anymore and it feels like he's ruined everything...everything has been tainted by him and belongs to "us" and my future...that's what I really don't think I can handle. Nobody will ever get me like he did, and I will never open up to a person the way I did to him...but in the end he was a liar and just like everybody else I loved that abandoned me. I wasted so much time and effort and money...and I put all of myself into him that I have nothing left. And I know how he is and that he may be thinking that he will come waltzing back into my life at some point when HE needs me and act as if nothing happened...and I will be too weak to stand up for myself and I know that the only way to stop it is to kill myself. I don't want to get better because I know that being happy is just an illusion....I don't have anything I want from life--other than to not be in it.
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| Random Fact #23 |
[29 Aug 2009|10:31am] |
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mood |
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 awkward |
] |
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music |
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Your lips are red ~St. Vincent |
] |
I had a dream last night that I was having sex with Marilyn Manson in a CVS...it was pretty good too, but he kept trying to do me in the butt. :\
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| Random Fact #22 |
[27 Aug 2009|11:22pm] |
| [ |
music |
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March of the pigs ~Nine Inch Nails |
] |
Sometimes I see people--happy and so carefree and I wonder what it's like to actually be happy. I wish that I could actually like life the way they seem to...I wonder why I can't be one of them and I feel so jealous of something so simple...something that I know most people take for granted--happiness and the want and will to live.
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| Random Fact #21 |
[20 Aug 2009|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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embarrassed |
] |
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music |
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The climb ~No Doubt |
] |
When I was 15 years old I talked to a guy online for a while who was supposedly 22 and we talked about sex and stuff....I realized how stupid I was being but I gave him my cell phone number and almost met up with him but at the last second chickened out and had a friend tell him I was gay when he tried to call me to see what was up.
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| Random Fact #20 |
[19 Aug 2009|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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dorky |
] |
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music |
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Love always remains ~MGMT |
] |
Sadly, I have eaten so much frozen food over the past years that I almost always know the temperature and general time at which to cook things.
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| Random Fact #19 |
[17 Aug 2009|02:38am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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I feel perfect ~Porcelain And The Tramps |
] |
Since things have gotten rocky with my boyfriend and our status has become "broken up" a friend of mine--that I always suspected liked me before--started acting the way he used to before I was in this relationship. Lately he's been telling me about how much he cares about me and how he'd do anything for me and that my (ex)boyfriend is lucky to have me, etc. He is going on about how he'd like to bring me up to Vermont to get me away from here for a while. He says that he'd like to cuddle cause sometimes he just needs that. So I told him that I'm not much into snuggling, but he just asked for a rain check on it later. He tells me about how he's had patience with me that he's never had with anyone else and....it's just too much. I feel guilty like I should be nice and appreciative of how much he's been there for me during this time....but he's making everything so incredibly awkward and I ONLY see him as a friend. And it's gotten to the point where I avoid seeing him unless there's gonna be at least one other person with us.
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| Random Fact #18 |
[16 Aug 2009|11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 defeated |
] |
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music |
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Into the groove~Madonna |
] |
My boyfriend recently broke up with me--he has done this multiple times... He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and 2 weeks before that. Then he constantly says that he really cares about me and can't be without me...I don't trust him and that he cares about me or will be there for me and that if he stays with me it's for various other reasons like guilt or missing the stuff we used to do or for some idea in his head. But regardless of how he tosses my feelings around as if they don't matter--I always take him back. Before I didn't know if this made me stupid or crazy...but I've come to the conclusion that I'm both. I feel like I'm just a puppet on his strings and I think he knows that I love him and no matter how many times I say it's the last time I'll take him back...he's completely in control of me.
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| Random Fact #17 |
[08 Aug 2009|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
I thought this journal had been randomly deleted for about a week because I forgot my username didn't have an underscore in it.
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| Random Fact #16 |
[17 Mar 2009|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ugly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Dreaming my dreams ~The Cranberries |
] |
I hate my teeth and I've been considerably more insecure about them recently. About a week ago I had this dream where somehow my teeth had gotten worse looking and were longer, thin teeth with huge gaps in between...just...atrocious looking. And yesterday I had another dream where I started losing all my teeth, they were just coming right out.
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